day 1 : I think this was the best weekend I’ve had for the longest time ever. I saw Guhmee buhbuh and met his friends. I didn’t get to look ‘cool’ for guhmee while watering the plants with a rice patty hat. Geramie wanted me to make his friends believe that I was a fob ;_; but I couldn’t do it so…
It’s hard talking to kids because they’re mentally not at the same level of maturity as you.
Back then it didn’t seem like it but now that I’m older I definitely see it. I hate kids .. go away and grow up then maybe we can talk without it being awkward and annoying --
I wish I can call my best friend Avegail, I think that name is awesome, but she hates it. She said if I called her that she’ll call me Franco. -_-
Ave, I never really get to thank you for everything you’ve done for me.. I wish I can pay you back somehow, but I’m in debt to you, literally, LOL. You’ve helped me too much. I can’t thank you enough. I love you. You’re as best a friend I could ask for.
I don’t feel like I’m enough.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I seem like I have everything clear but in reality I have no idea..
I always feel like I’m being compared . It’s so impossible to be like them. At least right now. I don’t have it in me either. I’m just regular, boring Geramie. I really dislike a lot about myself.
A friend recently told me I have a charm that naturally brings people to like me and befriend me. That meant a lot. Thank you.
I don’t want fake happiness..
I say this all the time, but I wish you’d talk about me more. I know you say you do, but I don’t think you understand..
I’m starting to feel like I’m becoming a secondary priority.
Yeah yeah.. I complain too much.
Is this just a cry out for attention?
Everytime I look in the mirror I see a disgusting fat guy.
I miss how I looked before. So young, skinny, somewhat lighter-skinned (or maybe my hair color just makes me look more tanned -_-) and not ugly.
Lately I haven’t been caring about how I look, and look where it’s taken me. I feel disgusting.
I’m broke. I don’t have a fucking penny to my name. I applied everywhere and followed up on a lot of them… fucking nothing. I hate the fucking economy in California. I want to get out of here.
I’m really jealous sometimes and I’d rather not show it.
I wish I can completely destroy my past self. I hated that part of me. If I can ever go back in life and change one thing, it would be myself from that time. I will never go back to it as long as I live.
I’m in love with you , and only you, Vivian Chen. Don’t ever think otherwise.
I’m frustrated with a lot of things.. I want my life to get on the right track. If things don’t get any better, I don’t know what I’ll do..
School is already next Monday, it feels like I’m only in the middle of my summer. I just borrowed a bunch of games from Aries and Bryant as if I would have the time to play them in the next couple of days.
Today Myles & Scarlet came over just to randomly kick it and we ended up doing nothing really, lol. We were hungry so we ate some L&L’s. Afterwards Scarlet went to work and Myles went off to his date, I think?
He was talking about his girl and how it sucks that she’s only 16. I told him that I felt his pain. My girlfriend is only 15 :o He was saying how it was hard for them to meet up because , as we are already adults, they still have curfews and restrictions and such. His girl only lives in Fairfield, and he said that was hella far, well mine lives in fucking Orange County. -_-
We also watched “When I was 17” or something. That made me think what the hell I did when I was 17. All I know is there was this feeling of not having any responsibilities and just living high school so painlessly and free. Senior year was the best.
Today Vivian told me she was hanging out with Danny. I told her to make sure that nigga doesn’t play the piano, I always have to be the last one to play her piano. D:<
Later on I learned that Danny flaked, lol, and that she just hung out with Tiffany. I pretty much waited for Vivian all day, what’s new. School is closing fast for me and I really want to get time in talking to Vivian before our schedules become gay and we barely get to talk to one another. Despite this fact, it feels like Vivian doesn’t really realize that our time is becoming very limited and she’s taking it for granted right now. I hope her and I could talk more , I really miss her and I love talking to her.
I think my baby’s waiting for me on Skype already, so I’ll end this post here.
So I’ve been watching Jersey Shore lately and it’s really getting to me. I love how ridiculous it is and even then there’s obviously some reality behind it. When I went to the shore of Jersey itself it was alright, I didn’t really get to enjoy it much though. One of the cool things was that some of the people couldn’t understand me well unless I talked in a Jersey accent. ;p And it’s funny how in the beginning when Vivian just heard about me, she thought I was all the way from New Jersey. lolol. My silly girlfriend . <3
I’ve been reading up (lol) on the Men’s Egg that Vivian gave me and researching various styles of gyaruo and other Japanese street fashions. I really want to try one of the looks (just the hair) but it’s impossible right now as my hair is still too short, believe it or not. I’ll get there. In the meantime, I’ll just keep attaining knowledge about it. :]
Lately, Vivian has been watching Boys Over Flowers. It’s been taking away our time from each other but it seems like she’s also watching it with her mom, so why would I butt in family time? I’ll just wait patiently here for my girlfriend. Even though that drama robbed me of my precious time with Vivian D:<
Summer is almost over. Bummer. All I really have planned is going to the Giant’s game in SF this Friday and going to the gym a couple times this week. I hope I can get the radio fixed in my car because going to school everyday without music will be gay.
Honestly I’m still a little tired from that long ride from Orange County and back. I hope my body can adjust again soon.
As I end this post I will try and bug Vivian one more time on AIM….
And no reply! Okay i’ll keep waiting then. -___-
Which reminds me! I’m also waiting for Ave who also said she would get back to me on AIM. .-.
I’ve been trying to get ahold of Ave, and I know that since she’s on Tumblr so much, she might see this fairly soon enough, I have to tell her about my trip because she hasn’t even bothered to get in touch with me yet. So Ave, if you’re out there reading this, get on AIM or something; I gotta tell you hella stuff.
Everytime I go there, it feels like I was just there the day before.
Vivian’s house has become a sort of a dream world to me. I am always overcome with this odd feeling like I was just there when it’s actually been a month.
As soon as I step through that big door and see the glowing red altar and Brandon screaming at the television I know I’m back. I’m back in my perfect world.
It’s only complete when I see her standing there, with the biggest and most perfect smile I could imagine.
All of a sudden I feel time speed up. It feels like every second that I spend there turns into hours. My time there is always limited. I can literally see a timer in my head, the decreasing numbers telling me that my stay in my fantasy world is limited. Yet as this is happening, I feel like the rest of my world begins to slow down. With Vivian , I feel like our kisses slow down enough to where we can actually take it in fully. A quick kiss has almost no meaning to me. I feel like our hugs and cuddling in bed last forever. Or at least, that’s what I wish.
On August 6th, 2010, I drove to Orange County from San Francisco to see my girlfriend, Vivian Chen. It took around 7+ hours. I started early in the morning around 5. My body was barely holding up as I deteriorated slowly by myself in the car. The only thing keeping me running was a bite of McDonald’s breakfast and an energy drink alongside a coffee.
By the time I reached Vivian, I was so happy that my body did not even recognize that I was literally a walking zombie. My pain, my exhaustion, all disappeared in an instant, as soon as I embraced my princess it all left me.
Her love has the ability to lift me up from any low point. If I can feel her love and her passion for me, I feel like I can overcome anything. When I’m physically with her, it’s so strong that I feel invincible and nothing can break me down.
Sometimes I wonder if she feels the same.
I want to be able to do the same and more for her. She’s my life. She’s my everything. She’s my one and only. I won’t ever let anything change that, ever.
As I spend my short time in my dream , I long to stay there, forever, I constantly wish and hope that I don’t ever have to come back to reality, back to hell, back to pain.
I’ve been wishing for a lot of things lately. I’ve been dreaming for a lot of things lately. Have I lost my grip for reality? I could care less. If I’m with Vivian, nothing else matters. I am the happiest I can be. I am invincible. I am lucky to have her by my side, all to myself. I will make sure that as long as I live, I will never let anything happen to her and us.
I don’t want to live everyday fearing looking back into the past. I admit to everything that happened and take full responsibility. It’s just hard for me to make up for it all if the past is constantly brought up.
I know I’m the one at fault here. But I was given a chance. To me, it’s more than just a chance. Not only is it my last chance, it is also my new life.
If this chance disappears, I won’t hesitate to do that to my life as well.
I want to go back to the way it was, only a couple weeks ago. When everything was perfect. It looks like I’m starting all over again.
If I did it once, I can do it again. The pain is worth it.
The happiness is definitely still there. The passion is far from gone. The love is as strong as ever. There’s just something blocking it all. I broke it down before, but for some reason it came back. I will break that shit down again.
I just need your help…
All you need to do is just let me. Just allow me to, and I’ll do the rest..
I realize , after reading tons of my posts from before, and thinking about everything, i have made a total 180 degree turn. I am nothing like I was before.
I feel more optimistic. I listen to totally different music. I am not that shy anymore. I am completely dedicated to the love of my life, Vivian. I feel like more has been put on my plate but now I know how I can deal with it.
I feel like I have been reborn in a way.
I don’t want to change. Honestly, I am afraid of change. When I like how things are, I hate when even the slightest things change. But doesn’t everybody like it that way? Everyone wants to keep good things good and never let bad things happen.
But this is reality, and reality is never fair. Reality usually can’t be comparable to dreams.
Or could it?
The last 6 days showed me that reality and fantasy sometimes intertwine and form a beautiful world where your dreams come true in every way possible.
Of course, there’s always the downside. I feel even worse coming back to this hellhole. I really just want to leave. One of the things I’ve always hated my entire life was authority. I hate having to answer to people even though they could be wrong. Even if I could be wrong, I would at least want the freedom to express my incorrect thoughts and learn from my own mistakes rather than have the authority just completely shut me down.
Sometimes I want life to have a retry button. For all those times I failed and want to do it again. But life gives us a form of the retry button. It’s separated into elements of unrelenting determination and courage . With those traits, you can get back up and try again. Although not exactly starting from the beginning like nothing ever happened, just learning from your failures and benefiting from it.
Sometimes I want life to have a pause button. I want time to stop once in a while so I can just catch my breath. Or spend living in a moment as long as I want.
After all these things I’ve written about, I’ve portrayed one consistent theme. I am overall unhappy with the way things are.
Now the next step is deciding what to do about it.
I am free to live my own life, but I am lacking the foundation to begin doing so.
I don’t have a job . I don’t have a place to live outside of my parent’s.
I am basically stuck until I can begin building this foundation.
Perhaps this rebirth process is not entirely complete. I may have been reborn into a new person, but to say my life is completely reborn is foolish and incorrect.
Becoming a new person is only the beginning. Now comes the real part.
Oh, reality again. great.
Maybe after this rebirth is done , I can fall back into my dream world and remain there for eternity.
Fear is an ugly thing.
Even the bravest of people have a hidden, deep fear. One they cannot dare to face.
Usually, once a fear is faced, you overcome it and feel accomplish.
There are a few exceptions to that , including losing someone you love.
You lose someone you love once, you don’t overcome it; in fact, you become weaker. All of a sudden, any future relationship is susceptible to being lost. You begin to doubt. Doubt then becomes a loss of trust. A loss of trust, is a loss of communication. Therefore, there goes everything in a relationship.
I have become very afraid of losing you. Not only have you threatened me many times to just leave, what hurts even more is the fact that you promised you would never. The idea that you would even consider it… just scares me beyond belief.
This fear will start to grow into a more monstrous form. Possibly jealousy, anger, helplessness.. i dont want that to happen. Help me grow confidence in you again. Because I love you and I don’t want anything to fuck up anymore. I’m really done with everything getting messed up.
it’s hard to believe in love, trust, and optimism that life will grant me all these things.
Maybe it’s partly due to my pessimism. My constant depressed state, my negativity that drives everything positive away from my life.
If I can just turn that around, everything will be fine.
But I have a problem: motivation. courage. inspiration.
I thought I found someone that gifted me with those traits. But it turns out she brings me down eventually anyway. Its not her fault at all; its all mine. the way i am. my pathetic self.. And she doesnt know it; no, she doesnt know it until i show her my feelings. And im afraid to do that because if i do, it pushes her away. because she hates my negativity. So what am i supposed to do. not say what i feel and lie? or tell her, but push her away?
either way, i lose.
I just hoped things would be like how i envisioned them to be in the beginning. so perfect, i thought nothing can tear me apart once i had you.
turns out i was wrong. even the mightiest of ties break. and its always from the inside, not from the outside.
im always the fault of everything. i dont think i enhance anyone’s lives. all i bring is drama, sadness, and such a pathetic and “emo” (ughh) perspective of life.
i thought that once i had you, all my problems will disappear.
turns out, it just gave me more insecurity. i gained more fear that once i lose you , it would hurt even more.
how wrong of me. i cannot think that way; or we are doomed to never succeed or be happy.
but, i can never be 100% confident on having you. because of the constant little things you say.
..Oh, go ahead and be happy with him, the perfect guy who you feel so comfortable talking to…
the little things affect me the most. and then, you’re so quick to leave after that. you dont even want to fix it. why do you blame my personality? im trying to fix it but you threaten to leave all the time..its unfair and its hard. i want to give up, but i continue for you.
Why do I keep going? even though it’s hopeless?
maybe because i feel theres still a chance there.
no, not maybe. I know there’s still something there. i know that once i grow away from this pathetic side of me, i will be invincible.
help me reach it, please.
im tired of crying. im tired of being hurt over and over again.
i just wanted to be saved.
for years now, i wanted to be saved. i gave each chance a shot, but everything ended in failure.
i think i really am destined for failure in life.
the fact of you leaving convinces me.
i hate myself. i only live for the people around me that care about me. without them, and especially without you, i will die. watch.
ive fallen to pieces so many times. i just need one person to help lift me up. not just to show me how it is once i’m up.
i know im pretty pathetic. i want things to happen all the time. “my expectations are too high so i get hurt easily.” i always wait and “wish for someone to save me”
not true. that’s what im putting out there. but inside, im fighting. i really am trying to be a decent person in this world. i want to be accepted.
I spent the majority of yesterday finding ways to mess with my PSP and add a PSX Emulator on it so i can play some of my PS1 games. After long, frustrating attempts, in a matter of time i finally got it to work. I was so happy i ran around the house.
I don’t run.
Well, happiness always ends. I figured out that compressing the memory card for use would take a long time as well. I have to download a shitload more things and once i did, i didnt even know how to work it. And until now, I am having a little bit of trouble; but I at least got it to save.
Okay enough with the tech talk ;_;
I ended up staying home all day yesterday, and my sisters and I finally finished the Korean version of Boys Over Flowers. My rating? Well I like happy endings, so i give the series a 9/10. Only because of the abrupt lack of follow-through for the plot of the character Ji Hoo. But when I heard of the news for Boys Before Flowers 2, coming out next February I believe, I took my opinions back.
I expect to see more on Woo Bin, who remained relatively in the sidelines most of the series. I think I am biased but I like the Korean version out of all the other ones :]
I’ve been playing PSP pretty much all day. I fucking love FFIX, it’s so underrated. People just look at FFVII and FFVIII, and overlook 9.
I’m actually not in the mood to go out today; kinda want to just stay home and be a lazy otaku.
I can’t wait for Ave to get back. Haha, I told her everything would work out fine. I like seeing her happy.
"Have we met before?"
“No, I am afraid not.”
“Hm, that’s right. I would never let you go if we did.”
Allyn and Ave called because they wanted to hang out. I thought why not; I didn’t go out yesterday and Ave is leaving tonight for San Diego. So I went to go pick Allyn up from her house and we went to go pick up Ave to get some sushi. There were a lot of people we knew at Yo; we got our food and left to hang out at Ave’s house. Yay! Well we just chilled , me and Allyn played guitar and their friend came by. After a series of awkward moments , old and new inside jokes, me and Allyn parted with Ave to go our own way. Blahh I’m too lazy to write what else happened.
Allyn and Ave said i looked like a Korean dude today. I don’t know if that’s a compliment ;o
Those two; they are awkward and crazy but you gotta love them. I’m their personal driver and I guess now, I don’t mind. It was just a little tiring.
They can’t live without me, they know it :)
So just watching my drama now and relaxing. Had a decent day . Not disappointed at all.
“Girls are like a math problem. In the beginning, I wonder how I’m going to solve it. I figure if I just study it a bit more, then a solution can be found. It’s very simple, but there’s still a wonder to it.”—Yi Jung, Boys Over Flowers
Religion has its fine points. One of those is the act of repenting. I want forgiveness of my sins. I feel like I was a monster and I cannot even forgive my former self.
I despise myself.
I feel like Siegfried from Soul Calibur. Video games are really essential to the learning process , I swear.
I will repent for my sins. I can no longer say I live my life with no regrets; I have far too many regrets.
It’s odd; I have completely erased my guilt and sympathy emotions. I have no remorse for anything. Should I change that? Or should I just find alternate methods of dealing with things and keep those traits?
I want to be forgiven someday. For everyone to forget what I formerly was. Clinging to the past will not help me. I am changing; I am on my path to repent for all my sins.
So for those of you who say don’t change who you are; too bad. I change constantly. There’s probably no real me until I have fully repented.
My mind is constantly in fantasy. Why do I prefer to live in what is not real? Why do I run away from reality?
Wishing is the same as praying, essentially. They have nearly the same objective; but what makes them different? I would say faith, obviously. Having faith is hard for me. After researching countless explanations on the meaning of life, the concept of a divine entity doesn’t register well in my head. I wish I can pray.
I used to pray as a child. When I was brainwashed to believing it worked. But as i grew up I saw that the only way to get what you want is through your own hard work and efforts. Try living life praying for everything to come to you and see where you go.
Praying , or faith in general, is for people who need that support in their life. That extra bit of hope. I personally have nothing against it; however I prefer to seek other methods of living my life by removing unnecessary elements of it.
Yes, quite a somber post I have here. Might be offensive to many people but I’m not here to get my mind changed or to get into a heated debate about religion. It’s just my own opinion and yes I can be stubborn sometimes but what can I do.
I have a dilemma.
I want something, but I’m afraid of failure so I don’t even try anyway. Vital error , hm? If i learn to just begin to attempt something, I’ll get farther. Not just stay put and “wish” and “pray” for things to occur.
As Mr.Garrison once told me, “The world is about success. Everyone judges you on how successful you are.”
And there are many keys to success including education. So get an education, kiddo. Go be successful; I’ll meet you all at the top.
stress is eating away at me, i wish i can get away but i have obligations.
so today was weird. i woke up at 1pm and i felt tired as fuck still.
Abby made me smile last night and i talked to her again today. What a good friend :]
Ave said she has a surprise for me, i wonder what it is?
I need to call DVC and ask them if im even registered. If not, i dont know what to do anymore about college. Im fuckin up.
I went to Sophie’s house today. We just watched her sister play video games haha, and we talked about our problems.
Then, speak of the devil. her boyfriend comes out of nowhere and created an awkward atmosphere but he left. He thinks me and sophie actually did something when first of all, im his friend so he should trust me and he should trust his girlfriend more. ive been through this with everyone time and time again; sophie and I are just friends and its always been that way.
And then, i get news. It completely shattered my day, as if anything else was going better anyway. I hope this news isnt true because i dont know what i’d do if it is. But the least i can do is help. its my fault.
Well im going to eat for the 5365643534th time today. goodnight everyone.
i never thought of this, but what is the purpose of sighing?
ahem ahem, wikipedia states:
"A sigh is an exhalation of air, arising from tiredness or emotion, namely love.”
well, that’s odd because i often sigh out of sadness, not tiredness or love.
do they mean that in a positive way? as in a lovestruck person sighing at the sight of their fantasy girl/boy? or a sigh as in “sigh, i’ll never have him/her”
quite an ambiguous definition; tsk tsk, wikipedia. perhaps i should search for more. later on though; i will continue my drama ;]
Well i havent slept properly in a while. my body has not fully adjusted to the time here; but i like it this way. the night is so peaceful, cold, dark. it feels like the world is asleep but me, and i am free to do what i please.
Concerning the other things going on with me, i prefer not to worry too much about it. Dwelling on such matters will get me nowhere; i should do productive things.
One day i’ll get to where i want to be. Yet, everything seems too slow to get there. How long will it take? I dont think it matters, as long as i’ll eventually succeed.
"It does not matter how slow you go, as long as you do not stop" -Confucius
i love asian philosophy ;] hmm, wait..
an interesting field. even Bruce Lee studied it.. maybe i’ll take a closer look.