Fear is an ugly thing.
Even the bravest of people have a hidden, deep fear. One they cannot dare to face.
Usually, once a fear is faced, you overcome it and feel accomplish.
There are a few exceptions to that , including losing someone you love.
You lose someone you love once, you don’t overcome it; in fact, you become weaker. All of a sudden, any future relationship is susceptible to being lost. You begin to doubt. Doubt then becomes a loss of trust. A loss of trust, is a loss of communication. Therefore, there goes everything in a relationship.
I have become very afraid of losing you. Not only have you threatened me many times to just leave, what hurts even more is the fact that you promised you would never. The idea that you would even consider it… just scares me beyond belief.
This fear will start to grow into a more monstrous form. Possibly jealousy, anger, helplessness.. i dont want that to happen. Help me grow confidence in you again. Because I love you and I don’t want anything to fuck up anymore. I’m really done with everything getting messed up.
it’s hard to believe in love, trust, and optimism that life will grant me all these things.
Maybe it’s partly due to my pessimism. My constant depressed state, my negativity that drives everything positive away from my life.
If I can just turn that around, everything will be fine.
But I have a problem: motivation. courage. inspiration.
I thought I found someone that gifted me with those traits. But it turns out she brings me down eventually anyway. Its not her fault at all; its all mine. the way i am. my pathetic self.. And she doesnt know it; no, she doesnt know it until i show her my feelings. And im afraid to do that because if i do, it pushes her away. because she hates my negativity. So what am i supposed to do. not say what i feel and lie? or tell her, but push her away?
either way, i lose.
I just hoped things would be like how i envisioned them to be in the beginning. so perfect, i thought nothing can tear me apart once i had you.
turns out i was wrong. even the mightiest of ties break. and its always from the inside, not from the outside.
im always the fault of everything. i dont think i enhance anyone’s lives. all i bring is drama, sadness, and such a pathetic and “emo” (ughh) perspective of life.
i thought that once i had you, all my problems will disappear.
turns out, it just gave me more insecurity. i gained more fear that once i lose you , it would hurt even more.
how wrong of me. i cannot think that way; or we are doomed to never succeed or be happy.
but, i can never be 100% confident on having you. because of the constant little things you say.
..Oh, go ahead and be happy with him, the perfect guy who you feel so comfortable talking to…
the little things affect me the most. and then, you’re so quick to leave after that. you dont even want to fix it. why do you blame my personality? im trying to fix it but you threaten to leave all the time..its unfair and its hard. i want to give up, but i continue for you.
Why do I keep going? even though it’s hopeless?
maybe because i feel theres still a chance there.
no, not maybe. I know there’s still something there. i know that once i grow away from this pathetic side of me, i will be invincible.
help me reach it, please.
im tired of crying. im tired of being hurt over and over again.
i just wanted to be saved.
for years now, i wanted to be saved. i gave each chance a shot, but everything ended in failure.
i think i really am destined for failure in life.
the fact of you leaving convinces me.
i hate myself. i only live for the people around me that care about me. without them, and especially without you, i will die. watch.
ive fallen to pieces so many times. i just need one person to help lift me up. not just to show me how it is once i’m up.
i know im pretty pathetic. i want things to happen all the time. “my expectations are too high so i get hurt easily.” i always wait and “wish for someone to save me”
not true. that’s what im putting out there. but inside, im fighting. i really am trying to be a decent person in this world. i want to be accepted.
I spent the majority of yesterday finding ways to mess with my PSP and add a PSX Emulator on it so i can play some of my PS1 games. After long, frustrating attempts, in a matter of time i finally got it to work. I was so happy i ran around the house.
I don’t run.
Well, happiness always ends. I figured out that compressing the memory card for use would take a long time as well. I have to download a shitload more things and once i did, i didnt even know how to work it. And until now, I am having a little bit of trouble; but I at least got it to save.
Okay enough with the tech talk ;_;
I ended up staying home all day yesterday, and my sisters and I finally finished the Korean version of Boys Over Flowers. My rating? Well I like happy endings, so i give the series a 9/10. Only because of the abrupt lack of follow-through for the plot of the character Ji Hoo. But when I heard of the news for Boys Before Flowers 2, coming out next February I believe, I took my opinions back.
I expect to see more on Woo Bin, who remained relatively in the sidelines most of the series. I think I am biased but I like the Korean version out of all the other ones :]
I’ve been playing PSP pretty much all day. I fucking love FFIX, it’s so underrated. People just look at FFVII and FFVIII, and overlook 9.
I’m actually not in the mood to go out today; kinda want to just stay home and be a lazy otaku.
I can’t wait for Ave to get back. Haha, I told her everything would work out fine. I like seeing her happy.
"Have we met before?"
“No, I am afraid not.”
“Hm, that’s right. I would never let you go if we did.”
Allyn and Ave called because they wanted to hang out. I thought why not; I didn’t go out yesterday and Ave is leaving tonight for San Diego. So I went to go pick Allyn up from her house and we went to go pick up Ave to get some sushi. There were a lot of people we knew at Yo; we got our food and left to hang out at Ave’s house. Yay! Well we just chilled , me and Allyn played guitar and their friend came by. After a series of awkward moments , old and new inside jokes, me and Allyn parted with Ave to go our own way. Blahh I’m too lazy to write what else happened.
Allyn and Ave said i looked like a Korean dude today. I don’t know if that’s a compliment ;o
Those two; they are awkward and crazy but you gotta love them. I’m their personal driver and I guess now, I don’t mind. It was just a little tiring.
They can’t live without me, they know it :)
So just watching my drama now and relaxing. Had a decent day . Not disappointed at all.